If you think that you can tell a bigger tale,

sansxamour @ 2009-07-21T19:03:00

2009-07-21T23:04:33Z

"There was a time in which I thought that I would never be able to truly laugh again, to be happy or even to ever want to live again.
Now I am different and happy without really knowing why.
I am afraid that it's not real. I'm just acting a part the way others expect me to.
I am afraid to fail again, to crash and and not come back up this time.
I am afraid of my future.
I am afraid to fall in love with a man who will just play games with me again.
I am afraid to be not as smart as others think.
... I don't want to have to fight again."

i just wanted to be able to find this again. it was a german postsecret and this was what the postcard translated to. it's pretty much how i feel.
:]

Fuck the Police.

2009-04-10T01:13:26Z

If one more person tells me that I need to try harder to fix the lines of communication between my mother and myself I will go ape shit on their ass. You cannot communicate in a civilized fashion with someone who is not civilized in the first place. Also, if someone else tries to tell me to grow up I will flip the fuck out. I grew up the day I watched my mother have a heart attack with no way to help her and no way to get her to the hospital. I know what responsibility feels like, I know how to handle things, what I don't know is how people expect me to throw away what little of my childhood I still have left. I'm done trying to live up to the expectations of strangers. As far as I'm concerned all of humanity can go fuck themselves right now.

I am a broken vessel

2009-04-09T02:03:29Z

I've come to the conclusion that I have no parents. The role of a parent is to guide, provide and protect their children. My parents only barely provide for me anymore which is saying a lot since I ask for very very little. God knows neither of my parents guide or protect me, if anything I protect them and I guide them through the dumb shit they do.
I'm so tired of neither of my parents giving a shit about my well-being. Seriously, I have gaping holes in the back of my mouth that should have healed by now. I have one doctor's appointment, quite possibly the most important one I'll have this year and neither of my parents can break their precious plans to be there for me. My dad can't help that he's out of town but my mom is just being a straight up bitch. I'm terribly sorry that my post-surgery check-up is an inconvenience to you, maybe I should use that excuse the next time you're in the hospital and see how it goes over. Maybe the next time you ask me to just run you to the ER when you're drunk beyond all reason I'll say no, because that is an inconvenience to me.
Not only that but your calls at 3am, you know, the ones telling me that I broke into my alleged "home?" I really appreciate your accusations that I stole things from you when I was four hours away, trying to escape for a measly five days. I guess it doesn't mean anything to you that I spoke with the police about the entire situation as I paced back and forth on the beach. One of us is clearly out of our minds and I believe that I am perfectly sane, as does my psychologist wh constantly reminds me that I'm one of the strongest young ladies he's met in a long time. I shouldn't have to be this strong. I shouldn't have to worry about not having a ride to a serious doctor's appointment. I should be able to have full confidence that one of my loving parents will be able to take care of me. I guess love isn't a luxury everyone can afford these days.

I guess truth and love have alluded me once again. fucking sweet.

------->this wasn't meant for anyone to read, I just needed to vent for a hot minute. I'm not even sure if it even makes any sense. It's not really meant to.

Bree's POV(uncensored)

2009-01-22T03:28:09Z

It's not fair for me to place all of the blame solely on Matt but it isn't fair to place all of it on me either. Matt is naive but so am I in less obvious ways. I've never been this vulnerable to such a large amount of people. I'm scared out of my mind. All I want to do right now is run and hide. All I can think about is how easy it would be to call my grandparents and ask if their spare room is still vacant. Quicker than anyone could get the rumors out I could be packed, on my way to the airport and enrolled in Milford High. Does no one realize how close I've gotten to the edge recently? For weeks I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating, I was reading and eyeing all of the medications I tried to kill myself with last winter. Seriously, I've had it with being treated like shit. All I ask is that people not talk about me behind my back, especially about shit like the possibility that I could be pregnant. I could have been pregnant last March but I wasn't. There is a funny secret that I've been keeping. Brian and I had sex and we both wanted it. We had sex about six or seven times before I broke up with him. He never once told any of his friends and neither did I, it was a mutual understanding. We talked about it, it was our secret. He cared enough to ask before he told everyone he knew. I was afraid of what you would say so I took the coward's way out. No one else knows anything about My physical relationship with Brian McKenzie. I like my privacy and I hate that so many people are robbing me of what little privacy I once had. I'm really ready to move. I don't honestly see why not anymore either.

Ten good reasons might keep my in North Carolina but I'll make no promise that I don't intend to keep.

I want to be an artist

2008-12-13T06:47:59Z

I felt like doing some recreational writing. An angsty fanfic is the result of this urge, apparently. No title yet, just a vague idea based on the quote below.
This isn't even a real chapter, more like an opener. A prologue?
My brain is mush. ughhh.

“What was any art but a mould in which to imprison for a moment the shining elusive element which is life itself - life hurrying past us and running away, too strong to stop, too sweet to lose.”
-Willa Cather

If you asked him, Ryan wouldn’t call himself an artist. Art wasn’t his profession, it was his one true love. Art would never let him down the way a person could. Ryan didn’t talk much, he might if he had people to talk to, but he doesn’t. Ryan lives in solitude on the third story of an old factory that was turned into an apartment building. He can hear the commotion of everyday life, people hailing cabs, calling out names and sobbing late into the night. It’s no wonder he feels no need to associate with these “normal” people. Rather than talk to the people, Ryan sits on a small upholstered bench beside the window, facing the street full of subjects: painting, sketching, photographing. Being a man of many talents Ryan chooses his desired medium each morning when he wakes. Some mornings he wakes up and all he can manage is his Nikon camera, while other days his long fingers itch to sketch every detail of the street below. Ryan loved art and art loved Ryan. There were no mixed signals, everything was black and white, unless of course, Ryan got adventurous. Things in Ryan’s life were simple, he dealt with only the people he had to, until that one fateful day.
Ryan was quietly pacing the bare concrete beside his window, carefully observing the measurements of each step when something outside, on the street, caught his attention. A person, no. A woman had been hit by a car while crossing the street. Ryan pressed his face to the cool glass to try to get a better look. That woman was his landlord. All Ryan could think about was how much he didn’t want to have to move if she was dead and the government took over the building. His apartment was by no means a home, but it was cozy enough for him, and his love. Ryan ran his ink stained fingers through his hair before walking over to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. He leaned against the counter as he slowly sipped at the steaming beverage. The apartment was a mess. There were sketch pad and canvases haphazardly placed on the floor along with tubes of paint and cases of pens and pencils. His lips raise to form a small smirk. His partner had obviously done some redecorating when he wasn’t paying attention.

REVISED!

If you asked him, Ryan wouldn’t call himself an artist. He was just a twenty-three year old with boyish features, a body with too many sharp angles, bones that yearned to break through his pale skin and a mess of honey brown hair that never seemed to look anything resembling “good.”
And besides, Art wasn’t his profession; it was his one true love. Art would never let him down the way a person could. Ryan wasn’t what you would call a hermit, but he wasn’t far from becoming one. People didn’t understand Ryan, Ryan didn’t understand people. Ryan loved details in his art, but not quite as much in his everyday life. He lived by himself in a rather spacious loft apartment in the heart of a city that no one has heard of. Ryan had the option to live in New York City but that was too pretentious in his mind. “Hi, I’m the artist, Ryan Ross, I live in NYC.” That was just not his style. This small city was just perfect for him though, it had a small town feeling but with taller buildings and more ruckus. He can hear the commotion of the city perfectly, people hailing cabs, calling out names and sobbing late into the night. It’s no wonder he feels no need to associate with these “normal” people but he likes to feel included nonetheless. Rather than talk to the people, Ryan sits on a small upholstered bench beside the window, facing the street full of subjects: painting, sketching, photographing. Being a man of many talents Ryan chooses his desired medium each morning when he wakes. Some mornings he wakes up and all he can manage is his Nikon camera, while other days his long fingers itch to sketch every detail of the street below. Ryan loved art and art loved Ryan. There were no mixed signals; everything was black and white, unless of course, Ryan got adventurous. Things in Ryan’s life were simple; he dealt with only the people he had to, until that one fateful day.
Ryan was quietly pacing the bare concrete beside his window, carefully observing the measurements of each step when something outside, on the street, caught his attention. A person, no. A woman had been hit by a car while crossing the street. Ryan pressed his face to the cool glass to try to get a better look. That woman was his landlord. All Ryan could think about was how much he didn’t want to have to move if she was dead and the government took over the building. His apartment was by no means a home, but it was cozy enough for him, and his love. Ryan ran his ink stained fingers through his hair before walking over to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. He leaned against the counter as he slowly sipped at the steaming beverage. The apartment was a mess. There were sketch pads and canvases haphazardly placed on the floor along with tubes of paint and cases of pens and pencils. His lips rise to form a small smirk. His partner had obviously done some redecorating when he wasn’t paying attention. He carefully observed the space that he always seemed to ignore. The floors had paint stains in a multitude of colors, the curtains were dusty and faded and his twin mattress sat, lonely, in the corner covered by one blanket and adorned with one white pillow. Ryan laughed at the lack of creativity that his apartment possessed. Ryan walked over to his window, took a seat on his bench and lit a cigarette as he watched the EMT’s cover his landlord’s body with a plain white sheet.

Don't Dream It's Over

2008-09-21T15:57:20Z

I was in a hotel where people were disappearing and dying. I knew I had to get out of there. I ran to find refuge. I found a building that looked like another hotel, I entered cautiously. There you were, smiling, telling me to come on a journey with you. I asked what the journey was. Your eyes glittered as you told me that it was Salvation time. This wasn't something you would say, you were never one to follow anyone and you loved God far too much. I placed my hands on your shoulders and asked you if your God would really want you to kill yourself, I told you that this wasn't what you believed. You smiled and told me that you had your beliefs and I had mine. I would be damned if I was going to lose you to a self-righteous group of lunatics. I knew I had to do something quickly, something I'd wanted to do since the day we met. I moved my hands from your shoulders to your cheeks, I pressed my lips against yours in my last argument. I pulled away and you seemed confused but your sense had returned. You couldn't believe where you found yourself. We ran to the door but it was too late, there was no way out. I begged and pleaded with the leaders. If we could just leave, we wouldn't tell a soul. Close, but no cigar. We were herded into a small room. We stood next to the door that was closed behind us, hands linked. A boy no older than you or I was handed a rifle and told to deliver salvation. We hid behind a desk as the boy killed everyone in the room, one by one. Before I knew what had happened you had disappeared, your hand was no longer in mine. I started to sob as I stood up, finding that I was the last survivor. The boy had shot himself, not peering behind the desk to find me. I watched in horror as a small square in the wall opened and dead bodies were sucked into oblivion. Had I seen your body I wouldn't have let it be taken but your body did not pass through the small opening. A voice came through a loud speaker telling me that I was free to go. The door swung open. I ran as fast as my legs would take me. I ran to a quaint yellow house with a wrap-around porch, surely someone would let me catch my breath there while I decided what to do next. I knocked on the door only to find a grumpy old man that wanted nothing to do with me. I somehow managed to find our mutual friends. I didn't say a word about what I'd just witnessed. We went to the movie theater and I didn't even pay attention to what we'd gone to see. I missed you already and I wished I'd been able to save you.The movie was over, we mixed ourselves in with the crowd of movie-goers leaving the theater. There you were, walking with a girl I recognized as your friend. I ran up to you wide eyed and hugged you. It didn't matter how you had survived because here you were with your arms wrapped tightly around me. We spent the rest of the day in our large group of friends, being flirty as ever, enjoying each others company. We were closer than ever. Until you've thought you lost someone you don't know how valuable their life can become.

And I was picking me up,

2008-07-03T04:07:02Z

Breaking me down.

I'm really tired of feeling like I'm the only decent human being left.
Is it so hard to forget about yourself?
Can you honestly not see how quickly my life raft is deflating?

I still can't swim very well.

In years to come it might make sense...

2007-12-14T01:00:02Z

I've forgotten how to swim.

as the clock spins so does the room

2007-10-18T01:38:30Z

things have been chaotic lately!
i don't know if you even still bother checking for updates from me anymore. i'll keep typing just in case though.
school work just keeps piling up and i just can't seem to make the pile any smaller. it sucks. i'm trying what feels like my hardest but nothing ever really gets done. to top it all off, i've fucking had it with my gym teacher being a fucking sexist chauvinistic jerk to me!
Anyways, Alex is my favorite ever. endofstory.
i feel like i have something i should be doing right now but i don't really know what. my homework is done. this is weird.

laterzzzz
♥H

sansxamour @ 2007-09-08T23:29:00

2007-09-09T03:30:56Z

I hate myself.
k thnks.

sansxamour @ 2007-09-03T23:55:00

2007-09-04T03:59:37Z

CONFESSION TIME!

It was really bothering me that you and t-gor had something going on when you did. I pulled a Bree and didn't say anything though because you seemed happy and I didn't want to be selfish. I felt like I needed to get that out in the open. I know you could probably tell but I thought I'd like officially declare that it was eating me up inside.

:)
I feel better now!

sansxamour @ 2007-07-15T12:55:00

2007-07-15T17:02:58Z

so, i mean, i suck at updating this thing.

i'm about to go start thinking about getting ready for tonight. i'm really nervous for some reason. i'm not sure what to wear, or what to bring with me. Damn Will Bradle and not telling us details!!! it should be sort of fun though.

uhmmm. i really don't have much to write about.

well, i g2g git reddi. brb laterz.

♥H

sansxamour @ 2007-06-11T15:58:00

2007-06-11T20:06:38Z

oh! I won't forget about our bet! I just have to work up the nerve to suggest hanging out because I'm lame and wimpy. It'll happen though, I promise.

It is exactly 4:00 right now and I'm still in my pajamas. I love summer! This morning I woke up at 8 and nearly died because I thought I'd overslept.

I've been reading and playing video games all day. I'm almost glad that Chris ditched me because, tbh, I didn't really want to hang out with him. I feel pretty useless today though. That's what summer is for though right?

Can't wait for all the fun summer debauchery! Camping in my backyard sometime soon?

oh the things we'll do
--bree--

♥

2007-06-01T01:47:29Z

so today was crazy insane fun. I felt super cute and confident because everyone told me my outfit was adorable. I had this weird confident-adrenaline thing going. When I saw Tyler after exams my legs were shaking(embarrassing) but I was really awake and just plain excited. I pretty much ignored Tyler, I said hi to him at one point but other than that I just held my head up and focused on other people. Alex, Brinan, Stephan and I(how grammatically correct) went to my house to pick up some veggie burgers. Then we stopped by Stephan's so he could grab some hot sauce before we went to Judy's house for her cook-out. It wasn't quite what I was expecting though. It was six kids total. We had fun though, the grilling just didn't work out, Judy shrunk her regular burgers and Alex didn't cook the veggie burgers all the way. We were all just chillin' out and talking and there was a Real-World reunion on the tv and they were talking about how some dude was always naked and I was just like "I love naked people." As I'm sharing an impossibly small chair with Brinan. It was amazing. Then Judy started flipping through the channels and somehow we all ended up watching The Ring two. I thought you talked a lot during movies. None of us shut up the entire time. We talked about how we hate it when people in the theater say 'I CAN'T WATCH THIS!!' really loud at the scary parts. I did that at practically every part just to tick everyone off, then they laughed when I peeked through my fingers. We commented on everything that everyone did, the whole 'NOOOO! DON'T GO IN THERE!' bit. We cut the cook-out short though because Alex had to be back at East for an orchestra rehearsal at 3:30. Alex dropped me, Stephan and Brinan off at my house because he didn't have time to get us all anywhere else without being late to rehearsal.

We watched like Judge Judy or one of those court shows on mute, putting in what we thought the people should be saying. Making fun of random people in the audience that looked really hilarious. There was one particular dude that looked like he was staring at the defendants ass and we kept going back to that show to check if he'd stopped staring and he didn't(bwahahaha). We just acted like dorks for a few hours but then Brinan's mommy came to get her because Brinan was supposed to be grounded or something. Then me and Stephan just chilled out and watched spongebob until Alex got home. Then Alex hung out with Stephan until about 10 minutes ago when he finally went home.

Today has been fun. true story. I want tomorrow to be this fun too! I'm gonna dress real cute and then hopefully it'll just happen. As far as I know we have drum line, I'm not real sure though.

I love Alex's friends, they win.

I feel like dancin' baby hold my fears
--bree--

♥

2007-05-26T03:29:27Z

I have A Whole New World stuck in my head. =|
wonder whose fault that is.

I love it though.

I'm super tired and all I can smell is this perfume that isn't even mine. I'm pretty sure it's yours but it almost smells like Brinan's. Either way it definitely is not something I usually try to make myself smell like, it does smell nice though.

If you hadn't noticed my tiredness before you probably have now.
sleep well my angel, this won't be less than perfect.
--bree--

sansxamour @ 2007-05-23T22:44:00

2007-05-24T02:50:03Z

I just don't even know what is going on right now. All I know is that I am ready for summer. School can't end soon enough(I'll eat those words later).

Tyler Gordon is now dating Diana Walker. 2 weeks is my bet.

I am so blind to the world around me. Why can't I just see what is right in front of my face already?

I'm about to go eat some sherbert and read Crank. I'm almost finished with it, it stills makes me laugh that the alter ego/split personality is named Bree. When I first read it I thought i was just dreaming it onto the pages, hallucinating. lawlz. I'm such a royal dufushead.

--bree--

>=/

2007-05-09T23:43:08Z

Boys are too much trouble. I'm just going to go live in a cave and be asexual with Will Bradle. He's pretty metro anyway. It'll be cool.

Why do I always get stuck in the awkward situations? I pretty much got asked out by a married man. He's 18 and has already found the love of his life, the only girl he can ever see himself being with but hey, do I want to go out on a date with him anyways? You know, make out with him behind a dumpster or something? Maybe have some meaningless sex or something? Better yet, let's just invite Meredith and have a threesome! That whole situation was just not something I wanted to be in the middle of.

I quit boys. No more boy drama for Bree until there is a boy worth having drama over.

My Elaina has a boyfriend though =]. He's a good guy, I approve of this one without any weird gut feelings.

Maybe someday, I won't be so lonely
And I'll walk on water every chance I get
--bree--

sansxamour @ 2007-05-01T22:03:00

2007-05-02T02:46:02Z

so I'm excited as hell for tomorrow and pretty much the rest of my life!

I feel like he is all I talk about anymore =/. Is that bad? It feels like it's a bad thing but it makes me so happy I just can't stop. Now that I have a little more confidence with the situation I'm ready to stop sitting around and do something about it! Take some action! Make a few mistakes! Maybe cry a little by the time summer rolls around!

I really hate how everyone is counting down the days until school gets out because I'm not quite ready for school to end. It puts extra pressure on me to say something to Tyler, which I guess is a good thing but at the same time I'm not digging this sick, empty feeling in my stomach.

Alex is telling me to get off of the computer, better eljay update laterz.

pretend that you love me
--bree--

lawlz

2007-04-22T19:26:40Z

man I suck at updating this! It's whatever though.

I've just been so swamped with everything lately. I can't seem to get a break anywhere. The whole moving thing is seriously happening this time. My mom has always talked about moving and leaving and getting a divorce but this time I think it's really going to happen. I'm a little scared if I'm being honest. I've always lived in the same house, in the same situation, I just don't know how easy it's going to be for me to pack up and leave. We're staying in K-ville for sure, I already set that line down. I'm scared though because sometimes I can handle my mom and sometimes I can't. This weekend was a great example of that. Friday we were at each others throats and then Saturday we were like old friends, we laughed about the disco rodeo together. That point has been made.

Anyway, enough worrying.

Tyler is a cutie =) You know I couldn't go a whole lj post without mentioning him once. He's just too distracting, what with his tight purple skinny jeans and all. Enough about him though because I rambled on about him for a good hour or so last night.

I'm trying to make a fun energetic cd to start out the summer with. Something that has a bunch of really fun songs that make you want to jump around and sing along. You know what i mean. So far it looks like this:
1- Say Anything
2- Bayside
3- My Chem
4- Taking Back Sunday
5- Patent Pending
6- Single File
7- Something Corporate
I'm trying to find some Blink182 to put on it. I can't seem to find the right cd though, I think it might be in Alex's car =(. I may never see it again.

Well, maybe this is enough for now, it doesn't feel like it but it'll have to do because I have more important things I need to be doing.

being alone wasn't half as bad as being obsessed
--bree--

=)

2007-04-08T22:28:48Z

Yesterday was amazing if I overlook the flaws.

BRID took first, we were around dibs boy for quite awhile and did I mention that BRID got first?

I was so nervous and it was all for nothing. I'm really sad that the season is over already though. I'm going to miss having competitions and having Ryan lofflin warm me up when it's cold outside. I really wish that he wasn't graduating this year, I am seriously going to miss him. It's going to be so different next year. We've had a great season though. It started out really rough, losing kids left and right then we just started killing it and now... we are the champions.

I'm going to look like such an arrogant jerk tomorrow, walkin' around, wearin' muh gold medal, being all cute with muh new hurr cut(yes Elaina, I just said hurr).

I sort of regret not talking to Snow more yesterday. I should have said something to him about how seductive he looks when he plays. I'm an idiot though, I suck with this whole 'communication' thing. I am pleased to know that Artimisi and WIll think I'm a great person. Sorry Elaina, it just means more coming from the opposite sex, I'm sure you know what I'm saying here.

I'm just so pleased with the way things went with drumline yesterday. I'm very very angry with Sean but that can get fixed.

I'm pleased with how spring break went for the most part. I really could use another week but it's whatever, I can't really do anything about it.

Want to do you right where you're standing
--bree--

oh wow.

2007-04-04T22:33:57Z

It really has been quite awhile hasn't it? So much is going on now!

My little Elaina is dating Seanson, I got a letter from my old friend, I got a hair cut and I'm sure there is more.

First of all, my hair cut is the sex. It's not exactly what I'd had in mind but it's real cute. My hairdresser used a picture of Ashlee Simpson for a reference, when she first suggested a cut like Ashlee Simpson's I was like "uhhhhmm....." Then I saw the picture and it was a gorgeous picture, not gonna lie. If I was a lesbian I would totally want to tap that. My hair looks cute though. I can't wait for people to see it.

Second, what a random thing, getting a letter from someone I haven't talked to in like 5 years! I'm afraid we won't have much in common though because she still goes to Gospel Light and I cannot/will not deal with someone shoving a bible down my throat. She was never like that before though so maybe we can just add her into our group. Will still hangs out with GL and Kerwin kids so why can't I? We'll see how all of this goes.

Third, My Elaina has a bf! That's all I feel like saying on that matter though. Bad friend really?

I've been thinking about Tyler more than I need to be. He's my newest addiction and I just can't quit him yet. I hope he likes my new haircut. He's part of the reason why I didn't cut it super short like I was originally planning to. I realized that if i got it cut the way I was planning to it would look an awful lot like his hair and that would just be creepy. I want to not like him so much but I just can't help it, he's too adorable.

you are...my fire
--bree--

sansxamour @ 2007-03-26T21:12:00

2007-03-27T01:32:13Z

Tomorrow will be eventful. Sean is making me proud one day at a time. He really likes my little Elaina, and I can tell because he's being a gentleman about it; he isn't rushing anything and he's just being cute about it. He asked if you'd be at championships with us and I told him probably not. He looked really upset, not gonna lie. Enough about him, I feel like we've discussed him too much in the past two days.

Mr.Murphy was the one that took our trophy apart, he said it didn't look like a first place trophy so he popped the cup off of the top and screwed in this huge gold cup from a different trophy that got broken or something. So now it is one VERY impressive trophy! I'm really disappointed that they told everyone about our win during the afternoon announcements tbh because no one pays attention to the afternoon announcements. It's whatever though. We all know Mrs.Gainey doesn't really care about the drum line anyways, she made it very clear when she kicked us out of the old gym so the softball team could have a meeting there or something really stupid like that. Our school sorta sucks, I never really noticed until we started going to these other schools for competitions. West had some nice sidewalks and none of the tiles in their old gym were broken. I think our courtyard wins but they have better landscaping overall. Rockhill High School is probably the prettiest high school I've ever seen though. They had amazing bleachers that were plastic instead of wood and they were color coded so that from one side they read 'GO BEARCATS!' Practically the whole front of their school was made of glass and it was really pretty because the school is in the middle of no where so there are these cute meadows and crap. Our school sucks =|.

Why am I so tired all of a sudden?
I'm gonna go see if I have some pretty things for you to wear tomorrow.

and if you would call me a sweetheart...
--bree--

finally!

2007-03-26T03:41:46Z

All of the relentless practicing has paid off. Will has been cracking down on us and we've been practicing our asses off but it was all worth it. Yesterday's competition made my life. As if winning first wasn't enough, cute boys were flirting with me all day. If all of that isn't enough, my little Elaina is being lusted after by a relatively good looking boy =). Ryan Lofflin flirting with me just really boosted my ego because he is a pretty boy and a senior at that. I honestly don't care if he seriously likes me or not I just enjoyed him being flirtatious. The whole disney movie spin-hug upon being announced the winners was great too, it made me feel skinny which is always a plus.

I just can't seem to stop thinking about boys and who I really truly like recently. I feel so shallow tbh. I hate the way I'm not even sure if I like Tyler anymore; I know I do but I want to get over him because I've come to the realization that I could never have him. He won't even acknowledge my existence around Jackie, around Alex he might resort to making fun of me or something, I just don't even know. I'm trying to get over him because, again, if he won't talk to me in front of Jackie we have some problems.

BOYS ARE ICKY!!!!

I'm writing a quick standalone inspired by the events involving Ryan Lofflin yesterday =|.

lead me on and I will run after you
--bree--

=O

2007-03-21T23:47:44Z

I almost forgot to say something about this dream I had last night! it was crazy but I loved it so much.

We were at this camp but it was our school; a few of the buildings were cabins but the others were just circles of tents. Four kids shared a tent, two boys and two girls(terrible logic but my subconscious is stupid). I was in a tent behind the 500 building with You, Alex and Alex's friend Jeremy. It was like the first day of camp or whatever and everyone was just getting settled and finding their friend's tents and stuff. We had all four of our sleeping bags laid out, there was just enough room for all four to fit across but there was plenty of space for our bags and stuff up at the feet of the bags, by the door of the tent. Alex and Jeremy were on Jeremy's sleeping bag playing cee-lo or whatever and you were stretched out across the sleeping bags reading; I was standing by the door getting something out of my bag. We were all just chilling out when I had to leave the tent for some reason. I came back into the tent and you were talking to someone that was laying in my sleeping bag. Alex and Jeremy were still at the other side of the tent so I was like WTF? who's in my sleeping bag? I drop to my knees and crawl over to you and mystery person and say hey. Then Tyler pops his head up from out of my sleeping bag and smiles at me. I smile and say something along the lines of "hey gorgeous, what are you doing here?" Then he scoots out of my sleeping bag and onto the one next to it and I crawl into my sleeping bag;everyone else in the tent disappeared, including you. I got comfortable in my sleeping bag and made a comment about how it smelled like him and I really liked that, I looked up to see his reaction, expecting him to be relatively far away from me but he was right there. He had his head propped up on his arm and he was just looking at me and smiling. I smiled at him and scooted towards him a little and he wrapped his arms around me and we just sorta stayed like that for awhile. It got dark and everyone was running around getting back to their tents before the counselors/teachers started checking for everyone and he said "I wish we could be tent mates." I whispered me too and then he kissed my forehead and left, blowing me a kiss right before he walked out of the tent.

Then I woke up.

I was in a euphoric mood for most of the morning because this dream was so amazing.
I can't believe I almost forgot to tell you about that one, it was one of the best dreams I've ever had.

You could be my heroine
--bree--

<3

2007-03-21T21:56:27Z

I just don't even know what to think about Tyler anymore. Sometimes I feel like he could like me then other times he makes me feel like I don't even exist. I wish he would talk to me more, or at least look at me more often. I feel so invisible now. I think it's time for Jackie to fall down a flight of stairs =|. He talked to me a little bit today but not nearly enough. I'm glad he acknowledged my existence though, I think I would have cried if he hadn't talked to me or looked at me at all. Enough about him though.

After school I was talking to Stephan and he started making a song involving my name and a series of violent noises. it sounded kind of like, "dun dun dunnnn breeeeeeee digga digga dun dun dun bree bree breeeeeeeee bidly bidly bowwwwwww digga dun breee." I love Stephan, he said he was going to record the song and it's going to be a hit and he'll make millions and then give half of those millions to me. Then Alex mistook Savannah for me =|. I was not happy to say the least, I didn't say anything about it but I was very unhappy about the mistake. We passed Tyler on our way to the car but I don't think he saw me, either that or he was ignoring my existence again.

I just don't even know anymore. Maybe dibs boy/shaant dude is single, he's semi-cute, right?

When I'm with you I feel like I could die
--bree--